Thursday, September 18, 2008

Stupid Bounty Hunter

I had the biggest melt down last night. I cried the cry where you struggle to catch your breath. When I got home from work yesterday I checked my mailbox like any other day. There sat my dad's death certificate. I opened it and felt like someone punched me repeatedly in my tummy. I read it over about 6 times and then hid it. I still have not really and truly grieved over my dad. I pretend nothing has changed and that he is in Clovis at his house and I am 3.5 hours away in San Francisco. I think any minute, he will call. Aaron was away at a side job and there was tons of stuff I should have done...for example, laundry, dishes, dust, etc. Instead, I sat on the floor and felt sorry for myself, but still no tears, no emotion. Aaron finally got home and we went to lay in bed. He turned on the tv and we preceded to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter, a show we love. This episode was about how Beth goes to visit her dad who is about to die. Then he died. I yelled "I don't want to watch this." Aaron quickly changes it, but it is too late. The snot and tears began to pour. Aaron thinks I am nuts. I don't talk about my problems because I have to be the rock for our small family. I can't show weakness because then they won't feel like everything is ok...I hate everything right now and am frankly pretty depressed. Can I fly back to Hawaii? ~B

4 comments:

HeSaysI'mTheOne said...

Remember God NEVER closes a door without opening a window....

I'm sorry you are depressed and overwhelmed. But you can't always be the strong one. You HAVE to deal with your feelings or everytime something happens it will be like someone ripping the bandaid off that wound unexpectedly. It will never get better that way.

Let me know if you need anything.
Xoxo

Mariah said...

Brittany.. being a rock is over-rated... I know a lot of people who feel like they need to be a rock or an anchor for their family/spouse... and they get so focused on it that in the end, it only ends up being something that weighs them down and keeps them from moving forward.. I think more than being that rock or anchor... we need to cut the chain and lift each other up! (and in this case, allow your family to lift YOU up!) The things you're feeling have nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with love, and all the heartache that comes with it, (and it's worth every bit!)
Everything your feeling is ok to feel. Take it to the Lord and let him lift you up. God wants us to lean on Him for strength, and I promise you, He's good for it. I will keep you in my prayers sweet Brittany. Love & Care, Mariah

whittakerwoman said...

Your not lame... Do you know how to put a link in your post? That is all you need to do. Put a link in your post with my site and then put your link in the mr linky. Tell me if you need more help. H

Michelene said...

bee-bee, amen to Miriah. I have been a rock and I hate the rock. I have learned to turn to the Rock. He, God, is the only person that will not let me down. He loves me. He is my Dad. B, allow yourself to cry. If you don't now, you will later. The time you waste being a rock is destructive to you, Aaron, christian and all of the Clovis folks. You need to break. God will brak you, I promise. He will bring something that will cause you to cling to only Him. I learned that with my dad, I thought. Then came loosing Caleb. I have been really weepy about him again yesterday and today. I am not sure why, but I miss him. Only God can fill that void. Look for Him, Britt. you will find Him. Allow Aaron to take care of you. he wants to, you have to allow him to even though he has not been through what you are dealing with. Let him lead. Cry baby, cry. Get it out!

You and heather are bff's now. Two comments from her and you are doing Mr linky! Rock it out dude.