Time away

Today I drove from South San Francisco to San Luis Obispo to hang out with my friend Tina. About an hour into my drive, I cried like I have never cried before. I put on some Christian Cd's that I haven't listened to in awhile, and sobbed. The rain was crashing hard on my windshield and my tears were streaming. I knew this was not a safe way to drive. Everytime I drive from SF to SLO, I pass the spot where Jessica died. I hate it. I imagine the whole scene. I imagine her car in the ditch, and her laying there suffering. It really hurts my heart. So I passed the spot and drove for a bit longer. I started thinking of my dad and the tears kept streaming. I realized that since my dad died on August 19, 2008, that today is the first day that I have been by myself for over 1 hour. My husband and I are soooo co-dependent on eachother. Its to a point where we know it isnt healthy, but we are just so obsessed with eachother. So today I had time to think about my life and what has occurred within the last few months. I had time to think long and hard without any distractions. I cried a cry that desperately needed to come out. I missed my dad sooo much. I hated that I couldnt call him. I still hate it. I pulled into Tina's driveway and felt a lot better. We went to the hot tubs at Sycamore Mineral Springs where I used to work (she still works there). I feel a bit better. Being here in San Luis Obispo brings back a lot of happy memories for me. I miss my husband a lot, but think that this space is so healthy for us. I pray that this weekend away will help me to focus on myself and to have time to reflect on my past. I can't wait to sit on the beach in Pismo tomorrow to look at God's beautiful creations. I miss Pismo, it was my beach and I will always love it. When do you have time for you??